Maybe it's just me..

I am honest to a fault. No matter how embarrassing or stupid the truth may be, when it comes to 'me', I'm gonna tell it. I have also been called a share-whore, because I always air my dirty laundry.. but here's the deal, if you don't air it, it stays dirty. I don't give two shits about how I am perceived by the world, my reputation is the least of my worries. If telling my story gives someone else the confidence to tell theirs or   helps someone realize that they are not alone.. then my soul-baring has been worth it. Even if it doesn't, I feel good about getting it all out! That being said.. here is today's blog.. 100% honest and probably embarrassing..

 It's not a myth that fat girls can be really really easy, especially during their late teens and early 20's. Like most, I went through a period of time in my life where I was a slut. Not a slut in the new girl-power fuck you republicans own it kind of way, but a slut in the I have a vagina and it needs a penis in it every second of every day oh hi you have a penis kind of way. Sex is acceptance, and we all desperately crave that acceptance during our formative years. (some people never stop) Bottom line, fat girls generally have a history of humping the world, sad but true.

So, I was shocked at the response I received from a comment I made on a fat girl page. A question was asked about sleeping with someone to get revenge on an ex.. me being me, I was honest. Yes, I slept with the brother of an ex to get back at him for cheating on me (a whole lot of cheating). I was the only one, out of 30 something comments, that said I had done it.. most of the replies were about how disgusting that would be and how they had more pride than that.. bullshit.. but whatever, I was honest.

Well.. you would think I had posted a pic of myself riding Bin Laden like a pony on a bed of dead puppies covered with birth control pills!

 My 'other' inbox filled up faster than Rush Limbaugh at a free Viagra booth! Women (ALL fat girls mind you) who took it upon themselves to berate and condemn me for having sex with someone. Wow. I was called a disgusting excuse for a woman, told how 'women like me gave women everywhere a bad name', and encouraged to seek treatment for my low self-esteem and inevitable sexual diseases. One concerned woman went as far as to tell me that 'instead of getting on my knees to blow the entire male population of my town, I should get on my knees and pray to god for forgiveness and repent my moral-less ways'. All because one time I had sex as revenge. You read that correctly.. I one time used sex as a tool for revenge.

 I did not fuck a married man in my boyfriend's bed while his wife and kids were forced to watch, I did not fuck a member of the clergy on a pew in church, I did not fuck a second grade teacher on his desk during story time.. I fucked the brother of my ex boyfriend because I was hurt and angry and needed to feel beautiful and wanted to show my ex that his hotter, younger brother knew how awesome I was even if my stupid ex didn't.

Yet these women acted like I had spread my legs and hung an open for business sign from my clit.

Hypocrites, every last one.

See, one thing I know about fat girls..fat girls go only 2 ways. Either you were the fat girl that no one ever tried to fuck and you married the first penis that got hard for you OR from the ages of 16 to 24 you spent more time on your back with a guy between your legs than you did at the Dairy Queen drive-thru.

Calm down.. every single fat girl out there knows this is true.. just breathe. I'm not attacking you.

I simply can not believe that in a group of women statistically proven to harbor more sluts than virgins, I was slut-shamed.

Are we, as women, really so ashamed of our pasts that we will turn on the one fat girl that owns hers? Why should we hide the people we were, and may still be? While I am not exactly proud of my trampy past, I am proud of the woman those experiences helped make me. Being a reformed slut has given me insight into the power of sex, the desire to be accepted, the emotional vs the physical needs of sex. Sex is not bad or dirty or wrong.

Guess what? Hiding from your past, attacking others to continue your lie, throwing stones, these things do not erase the things you have done. While I am all for bettering yourself, learning from your mistakes and moving on.. it doesn't change the basic fact that you have made mistakes. Own who you are, tell someone your REAL story, don't pretend that you are so perfect and wholesome.

Don't point fingers at the women out here who will not be shamed.

Sabotage..

I have been fat my whole life. I have been on every crack-pot diet ever invented, from the banana and rice diet to Atkins to the cayenne pepper juice fast.. I even tried eating healthy and exercising! The problem isn't in the losing of the weight.. I am a pro at that.. it is in the continuing to lose weight and keeping it off.

I.. am a saboteur.

I drop 5 or 10 lbs and freak out! I can't seem to get ok with losing that one thing I feel holds me back. I mask that insecurity with fat girl bravado.. "I'm fat, but I am beautiful, because Fuck You"..

After all, I can blame fat for my date-less Friday nights (my date-less every night for that matter) and being a loud and proud fat girl has given me a voice as well as a platform. I can call out any guy I am into as a twig chaser when it turns out he's not into me back, and I can condemn food companies for making good food expensive and crap food cheap.

I don't have to take any responsibility for the fact that my body is not what I secretly desire it to be, it is not MY fault.. I try to lose weight!

Until I actually start to lose weight. Then here comes the doubt, the fears, the unwillingness to deny myself any bad for you thing I can lay my hands on.

 It's possible that the reason I hold my fat close is because I don't know HOW to be not fat. I have spent my  lifetime learning how to be a fat diva, accepting and loving my fat body, helping others accept their own fat bodies, raging against the fashion industry and the media for pushing girls and women to hate their bodies, and teaching the world that being fat is not a crime.

Can I lose the 40 lbs I need to and still do all that? Will I be a hypocrite if I lose weight but still tell the females of the world to embrace their fat?

How much of me is wrapped up in being fat?

I am going for it again, looking at the numbers on my fancy new scale and watching them get smaller. I want to lose this, for good, and I can only hope that I will still be me when I'm done.