Sabotage..

I have been fat my whole life. I have been on every crack-pot diet ever invented, from the banana and rice diet to Atkins to the cayenne pepper juice fast.. I even tried eating healthy and exercising! The problem isn't in the losing of the weight.. I am a pro at that.. it is in the continuing to lose weight and keeping it off.

I.. am a saboteur.

I drop 5 or 10 lbs and freak out! I can't seem to get ok with losing that one thing I feel holds me back. I mask that insecurity with fat girl bravado.. "I'm fat, but I am beautiful, because Fuck You"..

After all, I can blame fat for my date-less Friday nights (my date-less every night for that matter) and being a loud and proud fat girl has given me a voice as well as a platform. I can call out any guy I am into as a twig chaser when it turns out he's not into me back, and I can condemn food companies for making good food expensive and crap food cheap.

I don't have to take any responsibility for the fact that my body is not what I secretly desire it to be, it is not MY fault.. I try to lose weight!

Until I actually start to lose weight. Then here comes the doubt, the fears, the unwillingness to deny myself any bad for you thing I can lay my hands on.

 It's possible that the reason I hold my fat close is because I don't know HOW to be not fat. I have spent my  lifetime learning how to be a fat diva, accepting and loving my fat body, helping others accept their own fat bodies, raging against the fashion industry and the media for pushing girls and women to hate their bodies, and teaching the world that being fat is not a crime.

Can I lose the 40 lbs I need to and still do all that? Will I be a hypocrite if I lose weight but still tell the females of the world to embrace their fat?

How much of me is wrapped up in being fat?

I am going for it again, looking at the numbers on my fancy new scale and watching them get smaller. I want to lose this, for good, and I can only hope that I will still be me when I'm done.