The difference a year makes..

On January 1, 2013, I made my resolutions.. to find love, to quit smoking, to lose weight.. the same ones I make EVERY year. Like the rest of the world, I knew I was not even really going to try to make any of those resolutions a reality..


 I had been the social butterfly the night before, my dress was loud and so was I. It was all "Look out world" and I was grabbing all the joy for myself.. I was excited to see everyone's NYE pics (I knew I was featured in many of them) I sent messages letting people know that it was completely ok to tag me, I WANTED my awesomeness documented by as many pictures as possible! As the hangovers began to wane, my wish came true.. friend after friend started to post the proof of our epic night.

By the third picture, I was in tears.

Who was this fat woman? Why was she wearing my face?

I reassured myself, "It's a weird angle, The lighting is bad, I wasn't ready yet..."

I cried harder.

There, in living color, was the proof all right. The undeniable, naked, horrible truth.. I had gotten incredibly FAT.

I weighed myself (a practice I had abandoned years ago) and had a sobbing breakdown in the bathroom floor. I hadn't really realized.. I mean, I knew I was heavy, but these numbers were insane. I checked the scale, surely it was broken or something right? I weighed myself again. The scale was not broken.. I really weighed 261 lbs.

 Oh. My. God.

I got up, and made the decision.. I was NOT going to spend another day that big. Not even one.

I'm not gonna lie.. it has been really hard. I used some questionable methods to get started, like diet pills and fad dieting (I still use the Jillian Michaels pills to help me get over a plateau) but once I got going..

I had a huge battle to fight, most of it mental.

Food had always been my friend. I was an emotional eater, using carbs and sugars and grease to celebrate or mourn. If I had a bad day.. food. If I had a great day.. food. I spent the better part of EVERY day with food in my mouth. None of it healthy food. I mean, carrots don't really say "I'm sad" quite as well as a chocolate cake do they?? And no one has a birthday salad..

My excuses were many, and I used them all.

I fought.. I continued to open myself up and pick at the reasons behind each food choice, I ate the damn carrots when my head screamed for candy. I refused to hide from my emotional responses, finally living them instead of burying them under food. I became raw.. every bit of me exposed to the world, nothing to hide behind, no crunchy exterior to push feelings away. It was terrifying, and exhilarating.

I still fight. I had a relapse a few months ago when I realized that I would have to watch my eating habits and exercise every single day for the rest of my life. I lost it. I didn't want that to be my life! Then I gained 12 lbs..

I know I will never be able to let down my guard. I know that in order to keep losing and eventually maintaining my weight I will have to stay tough. I will always have to fight. That's ok.. because I am worth the battle.

I currently weigh less than the DMV say I do.. and I lied A LOT to get that number. My weight on January 1, 2013 was 261 lbs.. my weight on January 1, 2014 was 179 lbs.

That's 82 lbs in 365 days. That works out to .23 lbs a day.

All told, I have lost over 100 lbs. However, since I lost the same 15 a few times, I only count them once they stay gone.

I'm not done yet, I still have 20 lbs to lose and some serious firming to do.. but I got this far so I'm not worried. I did this at home, no gym, no trainer. My motivation was myself, and my only real helper is the occasional "Jill pill" when those pounds seem to get too comfy. I don't want to be thin, or buff, size 0 was never my goal. I want to feel good, to know that I can chase my kid around and climb the stairs and not have achy knees or swollen feet. That's been my finishing line.

My target weight is 25-30 lbs higher than what the accepted weight for my height is.. and I never want to reach THAT size! My body has become my own, I'm proud of it.. I love it. I will always be a fat girl.. and that's beautiful.

For every woman looking at that scale today, thinking that the number is too high to tolerate.. You can do it! Don't change anything you love about your self.. but changing the bits you don't, that's what matters. Look inside, find the reasons behind your habits, be ready for the pain and the challenges and the tears.. but I'm right here to tell you, you can do this.