The difference a year makes..

On January 1, 2013, I made my resolutions.. to find love, to quit smoking, to lose weight.. the same ones I make EVERY year. Like the rest of the world, I knew I was not even really going to try to make any of those resolutions a reality..


 I had been the social butterfly the night before, my dress was loud and so was I. It was all "Look out world" and I was grabbing all the joy for myself.. I was excited to see everyone's NYE pics (I knew I was featured in many of them) I sent messages letting people know that it was completely ok to tag me, I WANTED my awesomeness documented by as many pictures as possible! As the hangovers began to wane, my wish came true.. friend after friend started to post the proof of our epic night.

By the third picture, I was in tears.

Who was this fat woman? Why was she wearing my face?

I reassured myself, "It's a weird angle, The lighting is bad, I wasn't ready yet..."

I cried harder.

There, in living color, was the proof all right. The undeniable, naked, horrible truth.. I had gotten incredibly FAT.

I weighed myself (a practice I had abandoned years ago) and had a sobbing breakdown in the bathroom floor. I hadn't really realized.. I mean, I knew I was heavy, but these numbers were insane. I checked the scale, surely it was broken or something right? I weighed myself again. The scale was not broken.. I really weighed 261 lbs.

 Oh. My. God.

I got up, and made the decision.. I was NOT going to spend another day that big. Not even one.

I'm not gonna lie.. it has been really hard. I used some questionable methods to get started, like diet pills and fad dieting (I still use the Jillian Michaels pills to help me get over a plateau) but once I got going..

I had a huge battle to fight, most of it mental.

Food had always been my friend. I was an emotional eater, using carbs and sugars and grease to celebrate or mourn. If I had a bad day.. food. If I had a great day.. food. I spent the better part of EVERY day with food in my mouth. None of it healthy food. I mean, carrots don't really say "I'm sad" quite as well as a chocolate cake do they?? And no one has a birthday salad..

My excuses were many, and I used them all.

I fought.. I continued to open myself up and pick at the reasons behind each food choice, I ate the damn carrots when my head screamed for candy. I refused to hide from my emotional responses, finally living them instead of burying them under food. I became raw.. every bit of me exposed to the world, nothing to hide behind, no crunchy exterior to push feelings away. It was terrifying, and exhilarating.

I still fight. I had a relapse a few months ago when I realized that I would have to watch my eating habits and exercise every single day for the rest of my life. I lost it. I didn't want that to be my life! Then I gained 12 lbs..

I know I will never be able to let down my guard. I know that in order to keep losing and eventually maintaining my weight I will have to stay tough. I will always have to fight. That's ok.. because I am worth the battle.

I currently weigh less than the DMV say I do.. and I lied A LOT to get that number. My weight on January 1, 2013 was 261 lbs.. my weight on January 1, 2014 was 179 lbs.

That's 82 lbs in 365 days. That works out to .23 lbs a day.

All told, I have lost over 100 lbs. However, since I lost the same 15 a few times, I only count them once they stay gone.

I'm not done yet, I still have 20 lbs to lose and some serious firming to do.. but I got this far so I'm not worried. I did this at home, no gym, no trainer. My motivation was myself, and my only real helper is the occasional "Jill pill" when those pounds seem to get too comfy. I don't want to be thin, or buff, size 0 was never my goal. I want to feel good, to know that I can chase my kid around and climb the stairs and not have achy knees or swollen feet. That's been my finishing line.

My target weight is 25-30 lbs higher than what the accepted weight for my height is.. and I never want to reach THAT size! My body has become my own, I'm proud of it.. I love it. I will always be a fat girl.. and that's beautiful.

For every woman looking at that scale today, thinking that the number is too high to tolerate.. You can do it! Don't change anything you love about your self.. but changing the bits you don't, that's what matters. Look inside, find the reasons behind your habits, be ready for the pain and the challenges and the tears.. but I'm right here to tell you, you can do this.

 

30 day Ab and Squat challenge.. 7 days in hell

Well.. we are seven days into the 30 day ab and squat challenge. Or, as I have dubbed it, the "I'm fat and ok with it so fuck you exercise" challenge. I seriously hate this, with every atom of my being, HATE this. I am still doing it. I think maybe I need the help of a mental health professional.

Made some questionable food choices this week, pizza (chicken and thin crust) and tacos (fat free black beans and more chicken) but overall did ok.. except for the sour cream and cheese and such.. but we did add the Dr. Oz fat water to our routine. The fat water seems to only make me gassy, but whatever.

Fat Flush Water

Ingredients, per 1 pitcher

Water

1 slice grapefruit

1 tangerine

½ cucumber, sliced

2 peppermint leaves

Ice

Directions

Combine ingredients in a large pitcher. 

You are supposed to drink at least 3 8 oz glasses of this every day, 1 before each meal.

Ok, fat water added, and the ab/squat reps are steadily climbing to numbers that I never wanted to contemplate, unless we are talking cupcakes or pints of ice cream, and the one week results are in:

Em: weight 197 (WHAT THE FUCK??) *Gain of 2 lbs.*  waist 37 1/4 *loss of 1 1/4 inch*   hip 41 1/4 *loss of 1 3/4 inch*   left arm 13 1/2 *loss of 1 inch*  right arm 13 3/4 *loss of 1 1/4 inch*   left thigh 25 1/2 *loss of 1 inch*   right thigh 25 1/2 *loss of 1 inch*
I gained 2 lbs, but overall lost at least an inch everywhere, so its evening out.

Kate: weight 160  *no change* waist 32 1/2 *loss of 1 inch*  hip 40 *no change*  left arm 14 1/4 *loss of 1/4 inch*  right arm 13 1/2 *loss of 1/2 inch*  left leg 24 1/2 *loss of 1 1/2 inch*  right leg 24 1/2 *loss of 1 1/2 inch*
Kate is losing inches, but not weight loss (or gain) and the inches are not uniform yet. Maybe more fat water and less carbs?

Finally getting internet installed, so I can stop using my phone to get online and start adding more updates, menus, etc.

One week in, and there are results, but the amount of work being done the inches should be melting off like fucking butter! Here's to the end of this sadistic challenge and a firmer ass.

30 days to svelte..

Well.. Lots has happened since my last posting, I have lost some weight (40 lbs in fact) and for the first time in too many years to count I am below 200 lbs! However, it isn't enough to lose weight, when the fat I do have looks like a sack of mashed potatoes flopping about my frame, so Kate and I decided to do the "30 day ab and squat challenge" ugh.

Day 1: Sept 6, 2013

Weigh in and measurement taking (this part was both good and bad, I cried happy tears when I saw my weight, but was appalled at the inches I have to lose)

Em:
Weight 195 waist 38 1/2 hip 43 left arm 14 1/2 right arm 14 left thigh 26 1/2 right thigh 26 1/2
AHHH! My thighs are the size of skinny girls' waists! Onward to firmness!

There ya go.. my fat girl body for the world to see!

Kate:
weight 160 waist 33 1/2 hip 40 left arm 14 1/2 right arm 14 left thigh 26 right thigh 26

Kate is allowing me to post this under protest, but she DID say I could!

Today I realized how much my body HAS improved, and I don't want to be thin, just firm, so I am actually only 30 lbs from my lifetime weight goal. (Side not: I am only 10 lbs from the weight the DMV thinks I am)

I will post pics and update measurements every Friday, I will also post activities/food/ etc on a semi-daily basis throughout this challenge.

If you are interested in trying it, here is what we are doing (exercises)

I do strongly recommend youtubing how to do these moves PROPERLY.. and as always, attempt at your own risk! 

Here's to being a firm fat girl.. Let's DO THIS!! 

I feel pretty..

I have been on a body morphing mission.. not to lose weight, but to change the shape of the fat that makes up my body. No crazy diets, no shakes or pills or lettuce or starving. I am not shaming my fat in an effort to make it leave.. I have embraced my body, accepted it, and in loving every roll of fat, I am changing.

I recently hit the mall for a couple pair of jeans.. I LOVE the colored skinny jeans and found myself in desperate need of some.. so into my favorite fat girl store I went. (I wish I could say it was Torrid, but since their nearest store to me is almost 100 miles away.. I go to the DEB in my mall) There was a sale, which made me super happy, I gathered up an armful of colors in my size and go to try them all on. Thank fuck I did! My usual size literally fell off me.. huh? For over a year I have worn an 18 at DEB. Ok, let's try a 16.. what the hell? They stay on.. sort of.. it looks like my vagina took a shit, they were so baggy in the front! Umm.. well.. let's try a 14. DEB had exactly ONE pair of jeans in a 14, not colored, but I tried them on anyway, just to check the fit.. ok, they button and I can still breathe and bend and such.. and still so baggy in the front.. I could have stuffed them with ANOTHER pair of pants!

What the FUCK?


I left DEB with not a thing.. and for the first time in a LONG time.. I shopped in a straight size store. No plus sizes, no XXL or super stretch denim.. and the clothes fit. I actually bought shirts at Hot Topic.. a store notorious for small sizing everything.. sexy fucking shirts! I bought a shirt.. with 2 little buttons holding the back together.. showing most of my completely naked back, and there was no back fat or rolls to hide.. even in my 14 jeans!

My weight has gone down 10 lbs.. that's it.. 10 sad little pounds. How does that translate to several sizes and a total relocation of my fat? Then I took a good look at my body, clad in a bra and panties, and the dressing room mirror told me something I hadn't really noticed.. the yoga had me standing straight and tall, while the cardio and strength training had my core pulled up and looking decidedly MUCH thinner. My scale said STILL fat, the mirror said FAT but firmer.

My point, without getting all preachy and shit, is that my scale had me convinced that I looked a certain way. The scale is a liar. My clothes tell a different story, and when I took the time to look, my mirror backed up the clothes.

We fat girls tend to focus on the amount of weight we have, and nothing else. We believe that if we can loose pounds then we will finally have a successful diet and go on to lead fabulous lives as skinny girls. That belief is wrong. Killing ourselves with fad diets and starving or living a life denying our right to yummy food is not the way to go! When you learn to love your body, accept the fat and the rolls and the muffin top (ever notice how the ways fat moves are named after food.. rolls and muffins.. hmm) and start to actually SEE your body,  feel your fat, and move your body.. your fat finds the places it SHOULD be, and you begin to find the real perfect body is YOURS.

Yoga helped a lot. I began because I can't handle high impact shit.. my boobs get sore, my feet hurt and my back screams.. but yoga.. that stuff rocks! It stretches your muscles and you use your core (the muscles that are under our fat bellies) without realizing it. Yoga is a sneaky way to exercise.. it also works!

Get up, reach for the ceiling, try to touch your toes.. and keep doing it. While you are on fb, open a new tab and find some yoga positions you can do.. I'm not talking the crazy one arm supporting your pretzel twisted body nonsense.. in fact.. try these:

This is what I used to start.. 

See what happens.. you may be surprised.. I KNOW I was!

Take the time to make you happy, ignore the numbers on that hateful lying scale, and look.. really really LOOK.. at your fat body. Then, do what you will to change what you hate. 

 

The hand that feeds you..

We would all like to believe that as members of the Fat Girl club, we are above body shaming. That we embrace every size and shape of our fellow fat girls, that we help, and lift up every fat girl everywhere.. but it just ain't true.

 I made a comment this morning that shocked me, and made me feel so ashamed, I couldn't believe that those words had come from MY mouth! I was taking my kiddo out to the car for school, and there were two fat chicks outside walking a dog and chatting. When I leaned in to kiss my daughter goodbye, I very rudely said to my ex (who drives our girl to school) "Shoot me if I ever get that big". He laughed, I laughed.. and then I realized what I had just said.

Oh. My. God.

Me, champion of the fat girl, self proclaimed freer of fat girl esteem, body shamer caller-outer.. had just shamed not one but two women for being fat. In front of my daughter.

This one comment shamed me, but not as much as it would have shamed those two women, had they heard.

How many of us, fat ourselves, look at women fatter than we are and are thankful we are not 'that' fat? (how many more times could I have written the word fat in that one sentence?) For many, there are always women out there that are fatter than we are, women we can look down on as 'those' kind of fat people.. the ones that are lazy and ignorant and living on a steady diet of twinkies and soda.. We tell ourselves that WE don't live like that, we are active and healthy and beautiful. How is it possible that it's ok for a fat girl to body shame someone because they are fatter?

It didn't make me feel good to say those words, but it did feel good to not be the fattest girl.. and I allowed myself a moment of 'better than you'. I have no excuse, and I can see how so many people find themselves body shaming we fat chicks.. girls are trained to hate their bodies, to see every tiny flaw and perceived imperfection, so when we see a woman who has such obvious 'flaws' we jump on the chance to feel better than she is. We can win. (Being fat is not a flaw, but it is socially acceptable to claim it as such) We take every chance to lift ourselves up using another human being to stand on.

I am calling bullshit.. on myself.

I offer this as an apology. I demand that each of us, every single fat girl that has ever thought more of herself by comparing her body to another's, to own that. Realize what you are doing is not different than a skinny chick calling YOU fat, in fact, it's worse. We have got to stand together, link our chubby arms in solidarity, and not allow ourselves to fall into that body shaming trap. Out yourself, even if it is just to the bathroom mirror.. then try to do better next time.

We are a gallon of ice cream away from being fatter than we were yesterday, and somewhere another fat girl is looking at us and saying "Thank goodness I am not THAT fat"..

We are all beautiful. We are all the perfect size today. We are all fat girls and we are all acceptable.

Some kind of wonderful..

As I have gotten older, I have discovered something wonderful. Something liberating and fantastic..

For years, I worried about how others saw me, what they thought of me, was I pleasing them with my attitude or my looks.. I was miserable, and it was exhausting. I turned 40, and BOOM it hit me, the only person I had any responsibility to please.. was ME!

 How did I see myself, what did I think of me, was I pleasing myself with my attitude or my looks? The answer was a resounding.. NO! I was sick of keeping my mouth shut, sick of pretending to be some uptight PTA mom who only wanted to please some guy and raise cookie cutter kids. Striving to be a pretty girl who apologized for having a thought in my little head had always been a lie, so why continue it? It became time to embrace what made me happy..

 I do not aspire to be envied for my life, or my choices, I do not desire the acceptance of strangers, I am no longer hobbled by the social standards set by those that know nothing about me. I revel in the absurd, the nerdy, the loud and opinionated words that pour from my mouth at inappropriate times, the wild and weird and wonderful being that is completely me. I love who I am, where I am, and what I look like. I enjoy the part of me that craves attention (attention and acceptance are two completely different things) as well as the part of me that can't burp in public.. the lady and the roust-about.. I love every contradictory piece of the hot mess that I am.

I have looked inside and found.. that I am worthy, of love, of happiness, of respect.. not because someone else SAID I was.. but because I SAID I was.

I see these young women out there, hiding their freak flag or their true feelings or their real thoughts, because someone might SEE them and have an opinion. I wish I could let them feel what I do, see what I have found, help them understand that while they may be making everyone around them happy, they are smothering themselves. Someday.. you won't be so obsessed with what ANYONE thinks of you.. and that feels awesome.

Look inside yourself, do you like what you see? Are you hiding the real you because you are afraid? Let it go ladies.. realize that your joy is worth more.

The trolls are coming..

The following was an actual poll on fb this morning: (this also went out on the air)

In The Online Dating World... Men Are Afraid Of Meeting Someone Who Is This... What Is It? #D-Rock

Like ·  · Share · 623 · 2 hours ago · 

• 6 people like this.
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  Bridget  A man!

  23 hours ago via mobile · Like · 2
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  Aubrey  Fat

  23 hours ago via mobile · Like · 3
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  Aubrey  Ugly

  23 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Sarah  Transgender? in transition....?

  23 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Bernadette  ↑ that's what I was gonna say!

  23 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Jay  Related

  23 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Cheryl  i second that... a man.. if he is not looking for a man..lol

  23 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Kristi 
   under age...a child

  23 hours ago · Like
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  Kristen  A transgender I would say

  23 hours ago via mobile · Like
• 

  98-9 Magic FM Answer - Fat

  23 hours ago · Like · 1
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  Bernadette  Really that is not cool!

  22 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
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  Heather  more successful?

  22 hours ago · Like
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  Michele  I was going to say fat too. But the transgender was a good one lol.

  22 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Heather  Fat , old, crackhead

  22 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Jenny  Their mom!!!

  22 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Marcelino  Fat

  22 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Molly  Outgoing successful loving.

  22 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Lisa  Most of the men online are fat & bald themselves.....

  22 hours ago · Like · 1
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  Jessica Well duh, why do you think they're single and seeking people online?

  22 hours ago · Like · 1
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  Jonathan  Psycho

  22 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Roger  A gay man posing as a woman! Catfish!

  21 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Tabitha  Thts some bullshit. Cuz big girls do it better F dem skinny b***hes..

  18 hours ago via mobile · Like

(the original screenshot was acidentally deleted during formatting the blog.. so this one contains some great responses that were not there before!)

Really? The worst thing a guy can think to be afraid of is a fat chick? Because that makes so much sense! They aren't afraid of meeting a child molester, or a man pretending to be a woman, or even a republican.. they are afraid of their hottie turning out to be fat. Fuck me!

I realize that way too many guys are hung up on that supermodel/Betty Crocker fantasy, because we all know that those women not only exist, but they are just waiting for Johnny Minium-Wage to find them and whisk the darling girl off to his mom's basement where she can spend her life happily heating up his spaghetti-os and trimming his mullet. It doesn't matter what the guy looks like or has to offer.. he damn well DESERVES a super hot girl.

The premise was touched on in "Shallow Hal".. but only as a whisper in the wailing gale of fat jokes and guy humor.. so I'm not sure it counts. Besides, his friends were so freaked out because Hal was dating a fat girl that they did everything possible to end the relationship.. because no self respecting guy should EVER date a fat girl!

Guess what sexy, important, successful, buff, well adjusted internet dating site guy (I could not even type that with a straight face)? We fat girls don't want you either! Having such a childish and narrow view of beauty doesn't give you the right to dictate how we must look in order to please you. We are not here to please you! I prefer dark haired guys with light eyes, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna go off because not every man out there fits MY personal definition of hot.

I think I'm worth more than being told by the internet that I'm useless. I think I'm worth more than being shamed by a faceless stranger. I think I'm worth more than to be measured by another's view of worth.

In the online dating world.. I am afraid of meeting someone who is this.. Not worthy of my time.

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